May God bless, and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others and let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung
and may you stay
forever young
Forgiveness. Rebuilding.
After stepping away from everything, I knew I needed to rebuild my life from the ground up, but with a focus on mental fortitude and a renewed appreciation for the life I was given. It wasn’t about creating new routines; it was about finding peace with the past and learning to truly value the present, and work towards living a life I’m proud of. A big part of that was letting go of the suffocating anger, resentment, and torment I had been holding onto for far too long.
One of the most important steps in this process was learning to forgive— not just others, but myself as well.
There were people I’d been mad at, people who I felt had wronged me, people I’d felt betrayed by, and I had let that anger and disappointment fester and build up, manifesting itself in ugly ways. But as I took a step back, I realised that holding onto those grudges was hurting me, and that much of this was misplaced, I had seen them through a muddied lense. Forgiving them and empathising wasn’t just about understanding; it was about freeing myself from the negativity, and cleaning this lense, uncovering my precious memories.
These weren’t people who had been evil all along, or even evil at all– time had passed, and healed my vision.
These memories, this gift handcrafted by God.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
– Ephesians 4:31-32
While I forgave others, I realised that the hardest person to forgive was myself. The expectations I had set, the mistakes I couldn’t seem to let go of, and the constant, dark, rumination of past decisions created a concoction of self-judgment. It wasn’t until I started to truly ponder this, that I learned forgiving myself wasn’t about forgetting or excusing—it’s about recognising my humanity and imperfection. Forgiving myself in itself is a journey I am still on, I think will be for some time, but I’ve found the grace to rebuild with humility and just a little hope.
I’m eternally grateful, even for those I lost along the way. I wish nothing but the best–I hope the thought of me brings no discomfort, and that your memories, like mine, have softened with time, and you find peace and comfort in them.
I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call,
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit,
Not even at all.
– Kate, 10 Things I Hate About You.
At the same time as forgiving, I found myself reigniting some old passions, running a little here and there, and diving back into Nightlife Cambridge, but with a fresh perspective. I wasn’t getting back into the old habits that had dragged me down before. Instead, I started focusing on the creative side—planning club nights, working on the Momentum rebrand, and getting ready for Freshers Week–business, business business. This time, I wasn’t just organising events to keep busy; I saw them as opportunities to bring people together in meaningful ways.
I even thought back to the slightly inebriated college proposals and legitimate marriage proposals I had witnessed at events over the years, and I realised again that this industry had always been about more than just getting wasted. It was about creating moments where people connect, celebrate, and sometimes even start new chapters of their lives together.
It occurs to me while writing this that the most meaningful relationship and friendships I’ve ever had started with a ‘hi’ at a Mash and Lola Lo’s. That was the part of nightlife that I wanted to pour myself into and help provide for others—something that meant so much more.
The discipline I was building through this process started to influence everything else in my life. I began each day with a more focused, more useful mindset with gratitude not just for the big things, but for the small, often overlooked moments that make life rich. I was eating better, sleeping more, and generally feeling like I had my head screwed on straight for the first time in a while. As I let go of the anger and started to heal, I found myself feeling lighter, more at peace, more in control. Each evening had a routine as well, I’d do some skincare, read or listen to a book, plan the next day; But most notably I’d sort of pray, despite not being even remotely religious. I’d pray for those I care about and ask for the pain that I’d caused them while I spiraled to somehow be eased, as well as their health, and that they find peace, understanding, and come to recognise the care and love that exists in the spaces where lives once collided.
Something that surprised me most was how much I started to enjoy the process of running NLC. The things that once felt frankly like a chore to keep it ticking over, like planning events or just getting out of bed to run the damn thing, began to feel like something I actually wanted to do. It was like I had found a new balance—still involved in the nightlife, but in a way that was healthy, but most importantly meaningful. These habits became the new foundation I needed to get my life back on track, helping me rebuild a life that was grounded in gratitude and free from the weight of the past, while still acknowledging it. And that’s what’s keeping me steady as I move forward.
